Lolra Sez...

The Nuclear

2012-01-03T21:28:00.001-08:00

Kim Jong Il passed away. While his successor takes the reins, the world is watching to see if things with North Korea are about to get more or less crazy.

Amidst all this talk, Lolra sez...

Lolra: We should pay close attention to this situation.

Me: Why? They're a little country we could bomb into a parking lot in a half hour if they started some shit.

Lolra: Well, because they have, you know, the nuclear.

Me: The what?

Lolra: The nuclear. Like, the bombs.

There you have it, folks. Explosive radioactive mass-destructive warfare is now summed up concisely as "the nuclear."

Blood Fountain

2012-01-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

So I'm playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion the other day, and happen upon a blood fountain (see right), a relic that exists in some unpleasant areas of the game which, when used, restores your character's health.

Lolra walks into the room, returning to her dabbling in ES V: Skyrim from somewhere (kitchen, bathroom, who knows, but probably not folding laundry [lolz!]), and I say, "Look dear, a blood fountain!"

Without missing a beat, proud smirk on her face, she points at her crotch and says, "Look dear, a blood fountain!" And we lol'd. Kinda.

Yeah, I married that.

Savor the Flavor

2011-08-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

So we're at Coldstone and Lolra gets her dish, turns to me and says, "Here, eat this. It looks like poop." Mmm, pass it over right now.

The Sway

2011-07-22T07:31:00.001-07:00

Lolra: You're ignoring me tonite.
Me: I'm sorry -- movies about gay drag queens don't exactly do anything for me.
Lolra: But it has Patrick SWAYze in it.

Good Eats

2011-06-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

I look over at Lolra, sitting on the couch, covertly slipping some bite-sized food into her mouth again and again.

Me: What are you eating?
Lolra: Nothing.

I notice she's getting whatever it is from somewhere near her lap, which is obscured from my view.

Me: Are you eating lint off your pants?
Lolra: No. I'm eating pubes.

...I don't have the words. But for the record, it was actually a cup of chocolate chips.

Hole Finger

2011-06-06T21:00:00.001-07:00

Lolra goes to smack me on the buhind. She realizes my Umbros have worn a hole in the seat and says:

"You have a hole in your butt and my finger almost just went in it."

Send in the clowns.

My Name, Only Longer

2011-06-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

So Lolra is typing up wedding invitations and says to me, "I need to make your name longer." I looked at it. At the left and right it was aligned perfectly with everything else. My name is four letters long, and all four letters were in attendance within the confines of the design.

Me: "Longer? What are you talking about?"
Lolra: "Notice how mine looks, you know, like it's longer up and down?"
Me: "Oh. You mean TALLER?"
Lolra: "Yeah, that."

*facepalm*

Po[lol]itics

2011-04-09T12:24:00.001-07:00

Lolra is reading about the whole "why the govt didn't shut down" thing, and kept pronouncing Boehner the way it looks (Boner) instead of correctly (Bay-ner). So I corrected her. In the very next sentence (she was reading aloud), it referred to Boehner and his caucus. She was disappointed that I corrected her just short of being able to say "boner's caucus."

We strive to keep it mature around here.

Negotiating

2011-04-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

Me: I'm gonna kill your face.
Lolra: Can you do it tonight over dinner at Abuelo's?

It reminds me of the one about the ice cream.

Because It Works

2011-03-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

A while back as part of this whole "planning a Catholic wedding" thing we had to sit thru a lecture by a doctor proponent of Natural Family Planning (aka the Rhythm Method), a man who, while touting how effective it is as a method of birth control, went on to say that while he and his wife wanted 3 kids, they ended up with 6, because they were "just so full of god's love" that he blessed them with twice what they'd planned for. Right.

So I'm playing Castle Crashers the other night, reached the boss at the end of the Thieves' Forest -- a boss who sprouts a new offspring to attack you about every three seconds -- and Lolra sez "He must be practicing Natural Family Planning."

Sight for Sore Eyes

2011-02-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

So we were trying to get my mom to write down some phone numbers. She would write them down but then not be able to read them immediately after writing them. This 20-minute set of exchanges between me and ma had Lolra in stitches, literally crying from the hilarity of the stupidity of it all.

Then about an hour later, she says to me.

Lolra: "My eyes hurt from your mom."
me: "Well I know she's not much to look at but c'mon."

:)

SPF Lazy

2011-02-19T17:05:00.001-08:00

Lolra's camped out on the couch this afternoon with her leg up hanging over the back of the couch by the window on a sunny day. I kind of point and smirk at the sprawl of laziness, the leg/foot in particular, and she says, "What? I'm tanning." :)

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

2011-02-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

Today's a two-fer.

1. She's in the shower and I'm at the sink, and she says "What's 100 divided by four?" I just paused for a moment, then said "Really?" Then she proceeded to almost fall down laughing.

2. I find her laying in bed and say:
"Let's play doctor."
She said "Okay!"
"Okay, you're dead."
She plays dead. Then I said, "Now let's play necrophiliac." and she lol'd back to life.

Knocked Up

2010-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

So Knocked Up is on TV. I make some comment about putting it where it doesn't belong and she starts chuckling. She doesn't have a history of laughing at this sort of thing, soo...

me: why are you laughing?
lolra: because I almost said something stupid.
me: like what?
lolra: I almost said "you don't even know what movie this is."

Part one of why this is funny: I've seen Knocked Up probably half a dozen times and it's easily recognizable from the cast and scenes and type of humor.

Part two of why this is funny: IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE SCREEN IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER THAT KNOCKED UP IS CURRENTLY ON.

Wow. Nice dodge there, dear.

A Cluster of Lols

2010-02-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

I mentioned to Lolra last weekend that, since we hadn't seen much of each other, I was missing her saying dumb things, and that she should try to kick out a new one soon. Lo and behold, within the next hour or so, the following three dropped out of her mouth.

I can't even remember how we got talking about this, probably something related to self-pleasuring or fishing. Yeah, I know. Maybe "fellate" involving a bone and "filleting" a fish being to de-bone it. Whichever. Anyway, she said that's how some saints were killed, by being "filleted" (fill-ayed). This seemed unlikely, and caused me to pause. She asked if that was the right word, I asked her to describe what she was thinking of. "Having skin stripped away." I said, "That's 'flay,' not 'fillet'." "Oh, how do you spell that? Is it F-L-Y..." and I couldn't resist lolling. Flay, fillet, fellate, and fly. Yes, so similar, but so far apart.
Lolra: "I stepped on the scale and it got lower." Me: "You mean like it sank into the floor?"
Lolra: "I'm not an alcoholic; I just know that I like drinks." Right.
Lolra: "I missed that Facebook status update; it went up when I was sleeping." Uh huh, because that narrows it down, Rip Van Lolra.

Olympics. They're Special.

2010-02-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

What she said:
"I feel like these are special Olympics because even though I'm not Canadian, I have Canadian blood in me, and some of my family lives there."

What I heard:
"I feel like these are the Special Olympics because they're in Canada, and I have Canadian blood in me."

My selective hearing made the leap based on her "mental handicaps" detailed elsewhere in this blog. :) Luv ya, dear!

Dumb joke she laughed at

2010-01-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

Q: Why is the ocean blue?

A: Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.

She can't stop giggling at it. Weirdo.

Words

2009-12-29T19:54:00.000-08:00

Lolra fishes for words, and comes up with boots more often than trout. For example...

Glove Department = Glove Compartment

"I didn't feel like I had anything to attribute to the conversation" instead of contribute

There was a third one, but we're not coming up with it right now. I'll update when we remember it.

Third Person: The Mail

2009-12-22T19:21:00.001-08:00

[22:16] Mark: you know why i can never dump lolra?
[22:17] Mark: cuz i'd never remember to get the mail
[22:17] David: lol
[22:17] David: stacie gets the mail here too
[22:17] David: we cant be bothered with such trivial things

The One Feature I'd Love My Car To Have

2009-12-21T17:55:00.001-08:00

Lolra calls while I'm in the bathroom giving birth to some brown trout.

Me: *picks up phone* Hey, the phone ringing almost made me pinch it off.
Lolra: Ha, so you're poopin?
Me: Yeah. *grunts* It's a behemoth, too.
Lolra: I take it that means you're home then?
Me: No, I'm still in the car. :)

LoL

This is why we wrap for Christmas

2009-12-20T16:11:00.001-08:00

It's amazing what the Lolra can come up with when trying to guess what's in those big wrapped boxes over there. "Is it a Scooter? Stilts? Drums? A guitar? Rocking chair? A new washer/dryer? Is it a kitty cat?" I should use huge boxes every year, no matter what's actually in them. My fave was "Do they go together?" to which I replied "Yes dear, I got you Voltron."

Productivity

2009-12-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

7:44pm - Lolra stretches out on the couch with two pillows and a blanket.

Me: You're going to pass out.
Lolra: No! I'm just relaxing, and I'm wide awake.
Me: ....ok. You won't make it to 8pm.
Lolra: SO?

7:47pm - I look over and see her passed out.
Me: I KNEW IT!
Lolra: So what's wrong with me passing out on the couch early?
Me: You could be doing so much more with your life.
Lolra: Like eating ice cream?
Me: ....
Me: Yes, exactly.

Words fail me (and her, too)

2009-12-13T11:26:00.001-08:00

Lolra finds one of the remote access keychain thingies in her glove box, something she's been wanting for her car since day one, but the dealer apparently said it didn't have one. Well, it does. Anyway...

Lolra: I swear we've both dug around before in my glove department.
Me: Yes, the glove department, where they sell gloves.
Lolra: What's it supposed to be called then? Glove box, and what else?
Me: Glove COMpartment, maybe?

The lols ensue.

Somedays I think stupid is the glue that holds this relationship together. And man, is it strong.

Laughter...

2009-12-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

...is a combination of crying and farting apparently. While re-reading this, Lolra got to laughing so hard, a popping noise came from the couch behind her. After trying to stave off the tears (she sometimes sad-cries when laughing too much), she starts breathing again and says:

Lolra: I caught it just in time.
Me: The crying or the fart?

And she resumes laughing till she actually DOES cry. And then gives me the finger. Twice.

Buttered Pants

2009-12-06T19:25:00.001-08:00

So we're watching Last Chance Harvey last night, and she tries aggressively to block my hand from getting whatever popcorn I'm reaching for.

Me: What are you doing, stupid?
Lolra: It's like in the movie theater on a first date when you accidentally hold hands in the popcorn.
Me: Oh. I should do the other similar thing and cut a hole in the bottom of the bowl and stick my wiener thru.
Lolra: You'd get butter all over it, not that it'd be the first time.
Me: What are you talking about?
Lolra: The two times you buttered your pants at the movie theater.

Twice, the butter leaked through the bag and made a stain on my leg. The key here is the notion/expression of "buttered pants," which conjures up someone with their pants on an ironing board, copiously spreading butter across them, perhaps first melted on the iron itself.

Buttered pants indeed.

Why I'm the Writer in the Relationship

2009-12-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

Lolra: If you get bored, you can write up the note we put in the Christmas cards.
Me: I thought you were doing that earlier.
Lolra: I got one sentence done, then we went to Taco Bell. Besides, you're a good writer than I am.
Me: I'm a "good writer than you"?
Lolra: Yeah, see?

Editing

2009-12-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

Lolra writes a Facebook status update consisting of one line, maybe 12 words.

Me: You misspelled "you'll" and "what."
Lolra: That's cuz I haven't edited it yet, stupid!!!

Editing a single line? Couldn't get it on the first try? Okay.

Take Medication With...

2009-11-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

Lolra: Did you take your antibiotics [for an ear infection] today?
Me: Yeah. I took it when I ate my donut.
Lolra: Is that how you were supposed to take it?
Me: Yes, the label said "Take with donuts."

That was this morning sometime, and we're still lolling about it almost 12 hours later. Damn I'm good.

Fixing a Slow Computer

2009-10-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Lolra: My computer is slow. What should I uninstall?
Me: Check your task manager and see what processes are using the most CPU.

[opens taskmgr, Processes tab, sorts by CPU column]

Lolra: System Idle Process
Me: Okay, that's normal. What's next?
Lolra: Firefox, at like 30-40%.
Me: How many Facebook games are you running?
Lolra: Let me check.

[toggles to Firefox]

Lolra: Just one...OH MY FRUIT IS READY! HOLD ON!

And she proceeds to take the "cooking" fruit salad off the "stoves" in Cafe World, one of her Facebook games. Distracted much? Good to see we have priorities here. :)

Colors

2009-10-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

Lolra: I like pink and blue together. That's why we should have a hermaphrodite for a child.

Deliverance

2009-10-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

Me: You love Deliverance.
Lolra: Actually, I don't really like that movie.
Me: Why not?
Lolra: I dunno, it's kind of gay.

O rly?

It's Luscious

2009-09-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

Lolra: "Luscious soup is like luscious poop, except you eat it instead of excrete it."

Good lord, what have I gotten myself into. She responds...

"Thank V8's "Luscious Soup" commercial for this one. ;) hehehehe... what is wrong with me?"

Note to [her]self....

2009-08-24T18:20:00.001-07:00

...it helps to push start on the dryer when you want your clothes to actually, you know, dry.

She insists I explain that she was "all distracted" by having to hit start on the washer to do a load of mine, too, "so you can look all professional tomorrow." Perhaps this "pushing a button being distracting" thing is why she sometimes forgets to turn off the light in there, too. :)

The Missing Pudding Cup

2009-07-20T14:20:00.001-07:00

She's in the kitchen trying to figure out where the third pudding cup went.

Lolra: Did you eat two yesterday?
Me: No.
Lolra: Did you eat one today?
Me: No. (to be fair, I *would* get her on this technicality had I eaten one today, which is why she has to ask)
Lolra: I had one yesterday, and you had one yesterday...where's the third one? [looks at pudding cup in her hand, smacks forehead]

I actually had headphones on at the time, and missed part of this, so props to her for fessing up.

Lolra: Why do I confess my stupidity like that?
Me: I do it when I do something dumb.
Lolra: Yeah, but that's hardly ever.
Me: That's why one of us has a Web site dedicated to this and the other doesn't. :)

The First Four

2009-07-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

These were originally posted on my own blog, which is also worth your while.

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4